Christmas time

I both love and hate this time of year.


Love it being with friends and family, cooking (and eating) yummy food, putting up the lights and the tree, wrapping gifts and letting some of that magical Christmas feeling wander round the house. Love gingerbread and fruit cake and the aroma of glazed Christmas ham.


Hate it being rushed and too busy, navigating traffic and crowds, people who have forgotten their manners and me trying to do too much. Hate the over-commercialism of the whole occasion and the (occasional, make that every year!) delicate (make that robust!) negotiations about where Christmas will be celebrated.


So this year I am making a concerted effort to slow down, do the Christmas things that make our house feel Christmassy and make me feel like the magic is spreading....some baking, a new wreath for the front door, a sparkly tree. I am thinking about the year that has almost passed...about those who are not with us....about the year that is to come and about those who are here to share the joy. I am also thinking about those among us who have lost so much and wishing for everyone some peace at this time of year.


And really, when i find myself getting a tiny bit stressy about the Christmas to do list, it takes only a split second to remind me how blessed I am and what it's really about.


It's about them.

Thinking of all of you with love at Christmas time

An amazing Australian

Earlier this year, I did something I have never done before. I nominated someone to receive an Australian of the Year award. This extraordinary young woman is the person I nominated for Australian of the Year & Young Australian of the Year. I had never nominated anyone before because no-one had moved and inspired me enough for me to do so. When I first came across Carly's loving work here, I was moved to tears by the courage, commitment and love she lives in every little step she takes and every name of a precious lost child she writes on Christian's beach.


In my wildest of dreams I hoped that maybe Carly would be a finalist and we would finally get to meet each other. Well, yesterday they announced the finalists for each state and while Carly isn't a finalist in her home state of Western Australia, I just want to say publicly, Carly, you are a hero, an inspiration and a blessing to all who cross your path. The world is an infinitely better place because you are in it. You are without question, my Australian of the Year!

Noah

I just learned about a 5 year old boy named Noah Biorkman who is in the last stages of a 2 year battle with Neuroblastoma Cancer. His family is celebrating Christmas next week and Noah's request is to get lots of Christmas cards.
Please let's make this brave little boy's wish come true.
Send cards to:


Noah Biorkman
1141 Fountain View Circle
South Lyon, Mi 48178
Lets see how many cards
we can get together for this brave little boy.


Thank you

Encounter with a neighbour

Funny story.


Me - walking with pram up our street, Batsman and Bowler on board. Walk past a neighbour (elderly, slightly hard of hearing, very "Aussie" old bloke).


Neighbour says to the Batsman...."So what did you get, a brother or a sister?"
Batsman.......silence.
Me ...."The Batsman got a little brother"
Neighbour....."What's his name?"
Me...."His name is Nate"
Neighbour......."Snake?.....You called him Snake?"
Me.....explain and spell the name out for him, all the while trying so hard not to laugh. I can just imagine him thinking "Geez, these young people of today calling their kids weird names like Snake!!!"


Batsman....very unsure what to make of neighbour!


So anyway....here is a recent pic of "Snake" with the Batsman and the Captain.

In the morning

Last night at 7pm Melbourne time….when the time rolled around to light candles and remember our precious babies…the Captain and I were so very fortunate to find ourselves at a David Gray concert. An extraordinary songwriter, singer, musician – he is probably my all time favourite. And when he sang last night, there was light, so much light - little sparkly lights that glittered all around the concert hall. I figured that these beautiful little lights were my candle and while I listened to David Gray sing I thought about lots of things but mainly I thought about our precious angels and the angels of the so many amazing people I have met here in blog land.

When he sang this song I am about to share, there were tears in my eyes….I am not sure why, I had never heard it before but its purity, simplicity and beauty touched me deeply. Here it is…..for you and me and for all of our babies.






PS: Today is one year since we lost our precious second angel....remembering always and honouring and loving you through the lives of your beautiful brothers

Today - October 15

Today is October 15 - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.
Light a candle at 7pm to send light all around the world and remember all the angel babies who leave a forever imprint on our hearts and lives.
Remembering our tiny, tiny angels - August 10, 2006 and October 16, 2008 - remembered, loved and missed.

Shadow

The Batsman has discovered his shadow these last few days. As the sun has begun to beam off the paving in our back yard, he has begun to notice his shadow. He makes shapes and giggles excitedly at the discovery of his own movement cast on the ground by the sun. It is a joyful thing to watch.

I have discovered some of my own shadow in the last few weeks too. Not the fun kind of shadow that the Batsman is playing with but the darker sadder kind of shadow. It’s the kind of shadow that can sometimes hang around, unwanted and wearing, especially for a gal with a new baby. My shadow is the one where I am hard on myself and expect way too much, worry about getting things ticked off on a list, feel overwhelmed and slightly panicky about how much there is to do in a day and whether I am up for the task of mothering two small boys. It’s not the kind of shadow that is your friend like the shadow the Batsman has found. It’s more like one I need to encourage to move on. I’m watching this shadow, keeping an eye on it and I won’t let it get to me too much.


I think I just need to play out in the sun with the Batsman a bit more.

Note to self

Image by Simon Howden/FreeDigitalImages.net

Breathe
Breathe


Relax
Take your time
Slow down
Drink water
Eat when hungry
Don't be so hard on yourself
Just deal with what is in front of you
Don't worry about the housework or the "to do" list or the washing or the mess
Make a cup of tea


Play with the boys
Walk along the river
Go to the zoo
Plant veges in the back garden
Enjoy them and their childhood - it's all too short.
Count your blessings.


Breathe
Breathe


And repeat again.............

The right words

I’ve been thinking a lot this week about what it means to find “the right words”. It seems to me that a lot of the angst, the challenge and the potential beauty in our world is about that very thing….finding the right words…..at the macro level, the micro level and the level that falls somewhere in between. Are the right words the ones that land well in someone else’s world, that don’t offend or upset, that achieve the speaker’s desired outcome, that comfort or make someone feel happy or loved, that agree with someone else’s opinion….?
I guess it depends on the situation, the giver of the words and the recipient as to what it actually means to “find the right words”. It can mean so many different things….
• Me finding the right words to encourage the two and a half year old Batsman to eat his dinner.
• Barack Obama finding the right words at the G20 summit to achieve the co-operation of the world’s leaders.
• Me finding the right words to “encourage” the Captain to finish the planting in our newly landscaped garden.
• A footballer finding the right words for a speech thanking his family as he accepts a best player award.
• Local shopkeepers finding the right words to attract the shoppers after the opening of a huge, new, potentially customer stealing supermarket nearby.
• Us finding the right words to say we can’t make it to a family dinner because we are clinging to the routine we have for the Batsman and the Bowler as a way to promote some sleep and preserve some sanity.
• Finding the right words to write on a bereavement card for someone who has suffered unimaginable loss.
And in here, in blog land, finding the right words for a post and finding the right words to leave a comment on someone else’s blog.
With my own posts on my own blog, I don’t think so much about “the right words” because the blog is my creation and a way to express myself and what I think and feel. That doesn’t mean I don’t think about the reactions of others to what I write. I do. And I like to think that I will never be insensitive to the feelings of others as they read my posts. Saying that, I know that others may not always agree with, like or identify with what I write. And that’s ok. Our differences make the world go round.
I try to post comments on as many of the blogs I read as I can. It’s a lovely thing to receive and to give feedback. I have been excited and touched to receive the comments of others on my relatively new blog. It’s here though that I sometimes struggle with “the right words”, particularly with commenting on the blogs of baby lost mamas. I worry about saying the wrong thing, about offending or about not offering the words that comfort or support. It’s hard. There won’t always be agreement and sometimes there will be controversy but in the end I believe we blog to understand and to be understood and that search for understanding can lead the way in the journey we are all on.


All I can do, all any of us can do, is to speak from a mind that thinks and a heart that loves and if we do that, I reckon the right words will come.

A little boy, a goat and a calf

The Batsman went to the Melbourne Agricultural Show yesterday.
He went to the animal nursery.

And met a goat

And a calf

He checked in the goat’s ear

And all was in order there.

In fact, all in all….

It was a dream day for a boy at the show.

The Middle of the Night

On Thursday night I went to bed with a headache. Not just “a bit of an ouch/I’m tired” headache but a full blown stinging, pounding hammering in my head that made me just want to close my eyes.

I have high blood pressure. I have had high blood pressure through both of my pregnancies. High blood pressure caused the low birth weight (5lb 3oz) of the Batsman and led to his emergency delivery. We almost lost him because of it. Thankfully, things were a bit better with the Bowler. Not only did he enter the world at 8lb 11oz, but the elective caesarean at 38 weeks meant he had a far less traumatic and much safer arrival.


But back to my headache. Since the arrival of the Bowler (5 weeks ago), my blood pressure has remained very high. I am taking meds for it and it is a bit of a “wait and see”…..but it has stayed right up there. It worries me for it to be this way but I know that it will gradually go down as I get fitter, lose some weight and generally recover from the pregnancy and the birth. But it still worries me. So when I woke in the middle of the night with my head pounding so hard I thought it would explode, I worried that maybe I would have a stroke or a heart attack. And you know that feeling in the middle of the night….the feeling of “everything is so much scarier/worse, I feel so alone and what is happening must be going to have the worst possible outcome” kind of feeling?


Well that was where I was in the middle of the night. Convinced that this was it, that something very serious was about to happen and I thought about what it would be like for my boys to not have me around. In the black, dark middle of the night, this is what I thought about. I woke the Captain and told him I was scared and he did his noble best to reassure me until I drifted back into a fitful sleep. Until I fell asleep, in the black, dark middle of the night, I was terrified.
When the sunny next morning came, my head still pounded but I felt less frightened with the light of day. And when the doctor reassured me and told me that it was hugely unlikely to be a blood pressure complication causing my headache, I felt better. Some regular paracetamol and big drinks of water chased the headache away. Phew.


So in the black, dark middle of the night last night, when I woke to feed the Bowler, I looked into his wide eyes and watched his flailing little fingers as he fed and tried to think of good things – of family trips, of online shopping, of blog posts to come, of playing in the new cubby house with the Batsman. When the Bowler fell asleep again, so did I – a peaceful, deep sleep in the black, dark middle of the night.


What do you think about in the black, dark middle of the night?

Buzz Buzz...Spring has Sprung

Don't you just love it?

Second Angel, Adored

Our second angel

October 16 2008

Forever loved and adored

Forever looking down upon our precious batsman and bowler

Thanks lovely Carly :)

First Angel Loved

Pregnant
Twins
Amazing miracle
Made in Paris, city of love
12 weeks, an ultrasound
I’m sorry
One babe has no heartbeat
The other babe is strong
Tears, grief, strength, gratitude, fear, hope, love
Months later
A babe is born, our twin, our tiny survivor
So much joy, but someone is missing
As he grows
We will tell him
We will remember
And his laughter will ring into the ears of the future
With his twin always watching over him
Loved

Thanks beautiful Carly :)

The Greatest Discovery

Watching my two boys today...the interactions of two who are still so new to each other, watching, smiling, imitating, a gentle pat. The Batsman leaves a biscuit in the Bowler's bassinette.....sharing with his new brother. I know that amongst all the loss and the grief and the sad things that happen in this world that I am lucky and blessed....so blessed.


I have loved this song by Elton John for an eternity. It never fails to bring tears to my eyes. And now, it says everything to me about the moment my two precious boys met for the first time. So I thought I would share it.


The Greatest Discovery

Peering out of tiny eyes
The grubby hands that gripped the rail
Wiped the window clean of frost
As the morning air laid on the latch

A whistle awakened someone there
Next door to the nursery just down the hall
A strange new sound you never heard before
A strange new sound that makes boys explore

Tread neat so small those little feet
Amid the morning his small heart beats
So much excitement yesterday
That must be rewarded must be displayed

Large hands lift him through the air
Excited eyes contain him there
The eyes of those he loves and knows
But what's this extra bed just here?

His puzzled head tipped to one side
Amazement swims in those bright green eyes
Glancing down upon this thing
That make strange sounds, strange sounds that sing

In those silent happy seconds
That surround the sound of this event
A parent's smile is made in moments
They have made for you a friend

And all you ever learned from them
Until you grew much older
Did not compare with when they said
This is your brand new brother


This is your brand new brother


Song and lyrics by Elton John and Bernie Taupin

And now I am crying again! :)

Doh Ray Me, Me So Far

I have only discovered blog world in the last year or so and I love reading the blogs of others. The window that others give on their worlds is fascinating, inspiring, generous, moving and thought provoking and I just love it. It’s a very intimate world in lots of ways and I guess that through their blogs you might get to know someone in a way that you may not in real life. Certainly the possibility of relative anonymity gives way to the opportunity to share deeply and honestly. Maybe not everyone does that but I like to hope that most do.



This blog is very new so it seems logical to share a little of me at the very beginning. Me So Far……


• 40 years old
• Since 1990 I’ve had a varied career touching on non-profit organisations, children’s services, advocacy, philanthropy, refugee and immigration support and politics.
• 1997 – married
• 2003 – divorced – he wasn’t quite the prince I originally thought 
• 2004 – Met the Captain – we met through online dating and it was pretty much love at first sight.
• 2005 – The Captain and I begin to share a home
• 2006 – Our big trip to Europe including Italy, France, Spain, Switzerland, Czech Republic
• July 2006 – Learn that I am pregnant – with twins conceived in romantic Paris. Much rejoicing.
• August 2006 – One of our twins leaves us to be an angel.
• February 2007 – The Batsman is born, all 5lb 3oz of him – he has a difficult beginning but is now the most robust of toddlers.
• August 2008 – We learn that I am pregnant again with a much anticipated sibling for the Batsman.
• October 2008 – Our precious babe leaves us to become our second angel.
• December 2008 – Pregnant again…..blessed and lucky and terrified
• August 2009 – The Bowler is born after an anxious but largely problem free pregnancy. At 8lb 11oz he is a much heftier babe than the Batsman.


• The future? Mum, partner, blogger, reader, cake decorator, cook and maybe a whole lot more.


Thanks for reading

The Captain

Happy Father's Day to the Captain of our little cricket team. Thank you for all that you are and all that you do for us.


We love you.

A tribute to Dads

It’s Father’s Day tomorrow and I’ve been thinking about fatherhood and what is at its core. There is so much commercialism attached to these “days” now – “don’t forget Dad on Father’s Day with the latest and greatest and most expensive gadget/gift/item from the hardware store” – that I think it is easy to forget what the day is really about.

• Honouring the relationship between father and child.
• Honouring the lifelong bond between father and child – whether a dad has his children with him or not.
• Thanking dad for his work and effort and contribution and partnership.
• Helping kids to recognise, acknowledge and have fun with the special relationship they have with their dad.


In our home on Father’s Day this year we are so lucky to share the day with our eldest son (The Batsman – 2.5 years old) and our youngest (The Bowler – 3 weeks old). Having only so recently given birth by c-section, the shopping for Father’s Day has not been physically possible for me this year. The dad in this house (The Captain – 38 years old) found himself a little weather station he liked online and bought his own Father’s Day gift :) (He didn't mind at all!)
A nice little breakfast of egg and bacon pie and croissants is how our little cricket team will celebrate the morning. But mostly we will just be thinking about what the day is really about – dads and kids and love.


And you can’t get that from a new power drill.

PS: Especially thinking of Craig on this Father’s Day

On a day like this

It’s the second day of spring and here, in Melbourne, it is a magically sunny day. There is a cloudless sky, sun, a tinge of warmth and just the tiniest hint of spring in the air. There is blossom on the tree outside my bedroom window. It’s time…to start writing this blog…the blog I dreamt of back in October. After my second miscarriage, my dreams were often vivid, crazy even. I like to think it was my dreams that helped me process the tumult of emotions and thoughts that often plagued my waking hours during those troubled months. One morning back then, I woke and I had dreamt that I had a blog titled “Segovia”. With my geography lacking, I didn’t even know Segovia is a city in Spain so I remain uncertain how the word even made its way into my subconscious. But that was October. And now it is September and it’s time. I think I was waiting for “the perfect moment” to start writing this blog, “the perfect first post” to kick things off. But today I realised that it has to be now, there is no such thing as the perfect post and life is too short to wait.


This morning I checked on the many blogs I read. One blog in particular has been occupying my thoughts for weeks. Many in the online world were waiting for the happy news of Mirne and Craig’s son arriving into the world. Sadly, Mirne’s post informed of his birth and his death, at only 3 days old. Mirne and Craig have already suffered the loss of 2 babes (Freyja and Kees), so the loss of their precious Jet is their third loss and a tragedy beyond words, beyond grief, beyond comprehension. I don’t know these two beautiful parents personally, I have only followed their blog from afar, but today I feel their pain intensely and I have cried lots of tears for them and for their three angel children, Freyja, Kees and Jethro. Please visit their blog and send them whatever love and support you can.


This news has somehow compelled me to act, to communicate, to reach out. Like I said, today I realised there is no such thing as the perfect moment and life is often way too short to wait around. The time is now.