Gone fishing

The Captain's father died this morning.
Suddenly.
He had been on a little holiday. He had done a spot of fishing in a beautiful coastal spot.
He got on a bus to travel toward home. He fell asleep. And then he died. Just like that.
All the other passengers got off the bus and then someone noticed that he was still sitting in his seat. Gone fishing.


The Batsman went to kinder this morning. We had only known about Pa for half an hour. The "how do you explain death to a child"question still hanging heavy.
The Batsman headed straight for the drawing table, his usual first starter.
I watched him. A quick drawing and he was off. Scuttling over to a game he had seen in a corner of the kinder.
A fishing game. With a couple of little fishing rods with a string and magnet on the end. Fish swam in a "pond" with paper clips stuck to their backs ready to be caught.
And the Batsman, he caught fish. Just like that.
The grandchild generation. Gone fishing.
                                           --------------------------------------------


He was a gentle man, the Captain's dad. He was one of those people about whom others say 'he doesn't have a mean bone in his body'. And he didn't.
He had his problems. The grog wreaked havoc on mind and body over the years. The pokies took their toll too. He wasn't a well man.
But he was gentle and kind. He was quiet but always had a little joke to tell or a trick to show the kids.


This Christmas just gone, he did something special and unexpected for the Batsman and the Bowler. He made their Christmas gifts. A truck and a cement roller, made out of wood, crafted with his hands and tools. They came emblazoned with the boy's names and decorated with stickers from the two dollar shop. It would have taken his shaky hands hours to make them.
They are beautiful and will be treasured across lifetimes.


Farewell Pa.
We will miss you.

Weekend grateful - flotation devices

Image gratitude

My last post wasn't a happy one. I am not in the greatest of places. But I know in my heart it will all get better in time. In the meantime I am grateful for everyone who has been helping to keep me afloat. The comment love was wonderful to receive and has buoyed me through the last day or so. Today has been a more peaceful day, in my heart and head, and that is in no small part due to the "floaties" everyone gave me here.

Thank you. I am ever so grateful.

On thoughts provoked and drowning

So many wonderful posts have been written about the inaugural Aussie Bloggers Conference. You can read them here. It was an extraordinary weekend, it really was. There have been summaries, succinct and to the point, there have been blow by blow accounts, rambling and weaving, and there have been snapshots, posts that have captured a single (often hilarious or moving) moment in time. All these posts record, for all eternity, the Aussie Bloggers Conference in all its glory, for those like me who were there and those who were not.


I wanted to be among those early posts. I really did. But the demands of a Batsman very anxious upon my return, the daily slog of his early intervention program, a kinder committee meeting, a deluge of other stuff and nonsense all rolled up in a hangover just didn’t allow it to happen. More on that later.


The weekend provoked a lot of thinking for me and I remain in a neurological tussle to process and make sense of it all. Here’s the shorthand version of what it has made me think about.


• I met amazing women. Such a privilege to meet those I have long admired, read, cried and laughed with. And there was this guy, who I think is beautiful and funny.
• People are their blogs. Authentic, raw, gutsy, funny, moving.
• Why am I blogging? What it’s all for?
• What will I do about reviews and sponsored posts and the $ generally?
• Social media – tweet tweet
• Privacy – mine, my kids’, protecting all of us
• Do I really want my mum to read my blog?
• Keeping it real. Content is queen.
• Blogging as community. Extraordinary community.


Like I said, it was an extraordinary gathering. Thanks to the organisers who made it so.


So, it has taken me till now to blog about the conference. There’s a whole lot of reasons and I know I don’t need to make excuses, tell you why, justify my bloggy timetabling and all that but I think, through my insomnia last night I have got to some real stuff. I want to share it.


I haven’t blogged about the conference till now because in all truth, it made me a little bit sad, about me, about who I used to be, not so long ago.


Once upon a time, maybe a year or so ago, I would have been more confident, less anxious and fearful, more willing to let it all hang out, less worried about whether others would like me, more able to bounce around and introduce myself to people, more able to be in the centre of the action, less, way less, self conscious. It’s not so now and the conference weekend allowed me to see all that.


Truth is, once the adrenalin of the weekend faded a bit, what was there was sadness. Isolation. Fear. Overwhelm. Anxiety. All of it. Can’t really write that on a feedback sheet can you?


The last eighteen months has been tough, there’s no denying it. The Bowler’s birth and sleep depriving ways, confronting the Batsman’s diagnosis with autism and the craziness that has brought to our family life has all taken a toll. While I probably look to lots of people to be managing it all and coping with the rollercoaster ride, in reality it’s a struggle. It’s fucking hard in fact. And I am pretty damn good at saying to myself, “hey Suz, look at what that person is going through, you are ok, you’re lucky, get on with it”. I don’t let it in because that means loosening that very tight grip I have on it all. The old me, the one who was a little more carefree and a lot more fun; she has been hanging so tightly that she’s at least in part, disappeared from view.


But today, on the third day in a row of waking up feeling sad, teary and overwhelmed, I said to the Captain “I feel like I’m drowning”. Drowning in stuff that needs to be done, drowning in the pressure I feel to do all that I can for Batsman as he struggles through “autism town” and drowning under the weight of my own expectations of myself.


I walked on the treadmill at the gym this morning, with tears welling while Pat Benatar sang in my IPod about it being a cold world when you keep it all to yourself. Gawd, doesn’t that sound like a soapie episode? Does anyone cry while they are in the middle of a gym workout? Probably someone who is depressed and anxious and struggling does. And did I mention how utterly exhausted I am? All the way through my bones.


So here I am. I am putting it out there with all of you. The weekend was amazing and I am so grateful to have met so many gorgeous people. But it wasn’t all sunshine and roses for me. I want to be real about this and it’s so bloody scary to do that.


But I don’t want to drown.

50 things you don't need to know about me before the Aussie Bloggers Conference

So, I am going. Tomorrow night. To Sydney.
I have loved reading people's 50 things about me posts. I find them a fascinating insight.
So here's mine. This was tougher than I thought it would be.


1. I was born in Melbourne.


2. The hospital where I was born was turned into apartments.


3. I love coffee, chocolate and all baked goods.


4. I am heartsick about leaving my two boys and going to the conference. They are in the best of hands though, with the Captain left in charge.


5. I am prone to anxiety and depression and never more so since my Batsman was diagnosed with autism one year ago.


6. I am a full time SAHM.


7. I have spent the last 10 years working with refugees and asylum seekers. I loved it and was sad to resign from it in January.


8. Sometimes I feel like all I think about is autism.


9. I love to give and receive a beautifully wrapped gift.


10. I hate the daily family cooking but I love the cooking where there is time to make something from scratch. Slow cooking is therapy for me.


11. Once upon a time I was a kindergarten teacher. I have no idea how I could ever do that job now.


12. I adore blogging.


13. I think the community building in blogging is extraordinary.


14. I live in a house that my great grandparents built in 1929.


15. I have lived in that very same house since 1992.


16. I used to be married to a policeman. We lasted 6 looooong years.


17. The Captain and I met on the internet.


18. On our first date, we sat in a restaurant and talked for five hours.


19. I would love to have more children if my body did pregnancy a bit better.


20. I am about 12 kilograms off my ideal “fighting weight”.


21. I wrestle with expecting the extraordinary from people and lowering my expectations so as not to be disappointed.


22. There is a pile of books in my house waiting to be read that numbers approximately 37. Half of them are related to autism.


23. I have an attraction to Ma.ccas drive through that is just not right.


24. I buy about 95% of gifts I give online.


25. My life doesn’t work without lists.


26. I adore making kids birthday cakes and cupcakes.


27. I am 41, almost 42 years old.


28. Mothering is the best and hardest thing I have done in my whole life.


29. My biggest fear is dying before I see my boys grow up.


30. I love Michael Buble, David Gray and John Farnham music, in any order.


31. I have very curly hair and a hair straightener.


32. I really don’t like wearing heels.


33. Licorice all sorts are a bit of an obsession.


34. I am patient with my kids most of the time but not so patient with people who are full of themselves.


35. Peanut butter and honey together on toast. Yes, please!


36. I just read “Freedom” by Jonathan Franzen. 500 and something pages and I am not sure I understand what all the fuss is about.


37. Sometimes I go to the gym and sit in the cafe and blog instead of doing my workout.


38. When I have time to myself, i find it difficult to unwind and do “me” stuff.


39. I hope the Captain and I get married one day.


40. My heart sings when I hear of acts of kindness.


41. I am definitely left leaning.


42. I really don’t like speaking publicly.


43. I often wonder what I will do when my kids go to school.


44. I love and loathe F.acebook


45. My cook book collection numbers over 120 and I am obsessed with food magazines.


46. Unlikely that the 12 kilos will come off while the obsession with cookbooks, food magazines and food remains.


47. Both my boys were born by c-section and pilates has helped me get it back together in the aftermath.


48. I have found it hard to right a list of 50 things about me, that are not about my kids.


49. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


50. The end.

Weekend grateful

This weekend I'm grateful for...


An Hour of Pampering - I had a pedicure this afternoon. It was blissful and just what I needed after a hectic week. The lovely Vietnamese women in the shop where I go, giggled and chatted to each other in their mother tongue. It sounded like music and it felt ok to close my eyes fleetingly.


Heartfelt - This amazing organisation is going from strength to strength. Tonight they had a segment on a national news program. This week they will open a very special exhibition in Melbourne. They have given their wonderful gift to at least two people I know. I am so grateful that there is an organisation that does such extraordinary work.


Home - As I prepare to go to Sydney for the Aussie Bloggers Conference, it feels good to be home this weekend. To puddle around, to wander down the road to the farmer's market, to catch up on washing, to play in the backyard. Home. Grateful for it. Lucky to have it.


Happy 100 Gratefuls Maxabella xx

Image from We Heart It

It seemed like a good idea

Image by Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One week from now I will have packed my bags. I don’t think it has hit me yet. That I am going to Aussie Bloggers Conference.
In Sydney. Next week.
Today it became a lot more real when my “business” cards arrived by post. They look gorgeous (if I do say so myself).
I’ve got myself some clothes to wear (notwithstanding an inevitable last minute shopping frenzy).
The Captain is looking forward to his “daddy time” weekend with the boys and my mum has been marshalled to help with the Saturday morning swimming lesson expedition. So they’re all sorted.
The thing that’s probably not sorted is me. My thoughts about going to the conference are a big, messy jumble. So I reckon the best thing is to put them here, to purge them from swimming around up there, to let them roam around in bloggy land.


So here goes.


It seemed like a good idea when I bought my tickets but now I’m nervous. I’m nervous about “belonging”, nervous about so many new people in one hit, nervous about making new friends.


It’s really hard to leave my kids. It will be really good for me to have a break but my heart hurts when I am not with them.


Travelling really raises my level of anxiety. I’ll be all right when I get there but flights and schedules and boarding calls make me anxious.


I am in awe of being in a room with so many accomplished, amazing women. It’s a little hard to wrap my head around being part of that. Do my humble little blogs qualify me for this?


I really want to blog more, to build this thing. I really hope that being at the conference will help me carve out a way to do that in this life. I honestly don’t know how you all do it.


I am not sure what I will do when I step into a hotel room and I am alone. No lunches to make, bums to change, or disputes to referee. But also, no hugs to give or receive and no goodnight kisses. Hmmmmm. I am sure I can find someone at the conference to hug if I need to.


Reading a lot of people’s “pre-conference” posts, it occurs to me that there will be a lot of emotion, of all kinds, when we are all in a room together. Now that will be amazing.


This blogging community is coming together.


I can’t wait.

Wordless Wednesday

Image Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

I need your passion (fruit recipes)

So this is what is growing at my house.

Passionfruit. Literally hundreds of them. The vine is sagging under the weight of them. I am picking up around fifteen each day from the ground. I've made passionfruit yoyos and passionfruit slice. I've eaten them with fruit salad and drunk them in Allie's punch recipe. They are sweet and tangy and bursting with flavour. I'm just not sure what to do with them all.

I know I can freeze them for a rainy day but I thought I would throw it open to you to bring me your passion (fruit recipe) and share with me in a comment if you or your mum or your nan have something you cook with passionfruit. I would dearly love to build up a little collection of recipes because I figure I am going to have this "problem" on a yearly basis. Aahhh yum, what a terrible problem to have.