Dude, where's my confidence?



It became clear to me yesterday.
There is something missing.
From me.
My confidence is in hiding. Not all the time but certainly for enough of the time for me to become aware of the absence.

I have started working for a few hours a week. In a lovely gourmet deli. I slice meats. I scoop olives and dips. I serve coffees. I clear tables. I suggest ingredients for home cooked meals.
It's my first paid work since the birth of the Bowler two and a half years ago.
I love it.

In my life before my children, I worked in a fairly senior role for a non-profit organisation. I managed large, complex events. I co-ordinated senior meetings. I handled delicate political conversations and relationships. I wrote  submissions to government. For the most part I did it with what I think was professionalism, compassion, grace and a very real air of confidence in myself and my abilities.

But I disgress.
The deli.
A customer orders his deli items. He wants loads of ham, salami, olives and artichokes. He wants marinated octopus and eggplant dip. I am scrambling to get it all done efficiently. The slicer is challenging. And then he barks at me, something to do with the thickness of the ham. He is rude and not a little arrogant. I nod apologetically and keep going. I just want it to be over. I finish his order and he pays his bill.

Before, I would have been more able to shrug it off. I would have dealt with someone difficult like that with confidence and aplomb. It wouldn't have thrown me as much as this small encounter did.

So it would seem that yes, dude, my confidence is missing. I know I am not the first mum returning to work to feel like that. The question is: where has it gone and how do I get it back?

Have you ever felt like this? Do you have any helpful handy hints for me? I would be ever so grateful.

Image via we heart it