I had an attack of the guilts this week.
Much is said about the guilt working mums feel as they strive to balance everything and do the best for family and children and careers. I am not sure if we talk so much about "stay at home mummy guilt" so much. Do we? If we do I think I may have missed these conversations.
The Bowler was off color, off his food and had a tummy upset from Monday to Wednesday this week. He was cranky and whiny one minute and sunny and chirpy the next. I couldn't predict the next thirty seconds in our household and it was utterly exhausting. When Thursday arrived and with it the much loved 2 day stint the Bowler usually spends at child care, I wasn't 100% per sure he was ok. It was probably somewhere in the 80 - 90% vicinity.
But I sent him.
I sent him to child care in spite of not feeling sure of how well he was. I was desperate for a chance to collect my thoughts, deal with house stuff (hello, 23,000 baskets of washing) and spend some time at kinder with the Batsman.
And then I felt guilty. All day.
The guilt ate at me, even as I managed to finish a much longed for cup of tea in peace.
Guilt. Guilt. Guilt.
Guilty for wanting and needing to be away from him. Guilty for taking the risk that he would get through the day without being unwell. Guilty for feeling relieved as the Captain strapped him into the car for the child care drop off.
I stifled thoughts of going to pick him up
The pit in the bottom of my stomach stayed with me.
Guilt is such a negative emotion isn't it? And you know what, when I went to pick him up at 4:30pm, the staff told me he'd had a wonderful day. He was fine.
I, on the other hand, was a wee bit wrung out from all the inner angst. Glass of wine with your guilt anyone?
Yep. I get it. I sent my children to care when I wasn't working. I felt guilty for not working when the kids were small... I felt guilty when I did work. I felt guilty when I didn't feel guilty about my kids being in care for 9 plus hours a day...
ReplyDeleteYou can't escape it, but you can pour yourself a glass of wine to go with the guilt! Cheers xxx
I feel incredibly guilty all the time. Guilty when I work, guilty when I don't work, guilty that I'm not enjoying that time I spend with them more, guilty that I'm not strict enough, that we don't do enough. It's just one big inner angst fest for me, motherhood!
ReplyDeleteAnd I'll definitely be having a glass of wine with my guilt too! xo
It really doesn't matter what we do we will always feel guilty. I figure a happy mummy makes for happy kids but knowing that doesn't make the mummy-guilt go away. Perhaps I should drink wine and imagine the guilt washing away!
ReplyDeleteBloody guilt.
ReplyDeleteIt never leaves, I used to think that I would be fine when they were older, surely a five year old is fine while I am at work.
Sorry to tell you, the guilt never leaves. never.
I will have a red with mine thanks.
When I had A, I talked to my Mum about feeling guilty about some (little) things. She told me it's just part of being a mum, it won't go away, and that I'd just have to learn to deal with it. So true.
ReplyDeleteAnd I hear you on the childcare thing!
Oh yes, I so relate to this post. I have most certainly been here. Not much to add, but just know you are not alone. xx
ReplyDeleteIt gets to all of us, in so many weird and wonderful ways. You're not alone. And you're certainly a rockstar mummy to both of your boys.
ReplyDeleteEnjoy that wine, then have another for me.
xo