Tonight, I have an anonymous guest post for you. The post comes from a fellow blogger, who, for reasons which will become obvious as you read it, was unwilling to post this on her own blog. In my view, moral dilemmas make for great blogging so read away and leave some words of wisdom for Anonymous as she tackles this issue.
My friend has a new boyfriend.
I should be happy for her, I should be keen to have them over and to check him out.
But I am not. I am not happy for her, I don't want to meet him.
The relationship started 12 months ago, he is married, with two primary aged children. At the beginning he told her he would never leave his wife and family, he would never hurt them. His marriage was actually pretty great and he didn't want his children to suffer the consequences from a broken marriage.
I suggested she end it. I thought she had, but clearly she just hid it from me instead, knowing I didn't approve.
A few weeks ago he set himself up with a new apartment, changed jobs and then went home and told his wife he didn't love her anymore. He left. Into the arms of my friend, close to 20 years younger than he and his wife.
Imagine.
Apparently the wife is not taking it very well, and being "really difficult".
So here is my dilemma.
Relationships come and go, marriages break up, people fall in love.
Am I being childish? Should I at least meet him, without the voice in my head screaming, "you are a grubby, shit of a husband who treated your wife like crap and left her for the first piece of tight available arse you could get."
Should I be happy for my friend and not judge her as a 'home-wrecker'?
Is it right to be annoyed on behalf of a woman I have never met and don't know?
Am I being all moral high ground-ish? Or, am I right to think that my friend is not displaying traits I want in a friend, she isn't really gaining any respect from anyone and why should I pretend to like this new man, who I think is pretty scummy?
When you lose respect for a friend, can you maintain the friendship?
I think I would feel the same way you do. I can't condone the behaviour of your friend or her new boyfriend. Yes, he was the one that cheated on his wife, but you're friend also went into the relationship knowing he was a married man. I would lose all respect for her, and I doubt I could continue a friendship with a person whose values and morals differed so differently from mine.
ReplyDeleteHello mystery guest poster!
ReplyDeleteI would find it very difficult to maintain the friendship. I unfriended someone on facebook once because I found out she'd been cheating on her husband for over a year. (His fault of course, because he wasn't attentive enough ) Relationships end, I accept that, but the lying? Nope. Don't accept that. There is just no respect or dignity in the this situation.
Hmmm friendship, if it's a good friendship, should be able to withstand the ups and downs of life, the good and the bad, the mistakes and the things we do right.
ReplyDeleteMy friends have done stuff that I don't agree with in the past but their friendship has meant enough to me that while not agreeing with their actions, I was still able to be their friend, support them when they needed it and be the shoulder that I KNEW they would need.
Cheating is never black & white, we like to think it is but it's not. and while yes you (and probably others too] may consider your friend a homewrecker, she was the single one here - the blame should be put fair and square on the husbands shoulders - HE cheated, your friend did not.
"you are a grubby, shit of a husband who treated your wife like crap and left her for the first piece of tight available arse you could get."
He didn't though, from what you've said, he stayed in his marriage for a full 12 months before leaving his wife and even told your friend that he would never leave his wife. situations and circumstances change, I'm in no way defending what he did but perhaps he did actually fall in love with your friend, maybe in doing that, he fell out of love with his wife, we will never know, only he will know that but I would be very hesitant to pass full judgement on him and what he's done unless you were to discover the full story.
He says his marriage was great but who knows if it was, his wife might have been loving and devoted, or she may have been a total bitch (even if she had of been the later, cheating is no excuse) - I doubt you will ever know BUT if his marriage was "pretty great" why would he even look at your friend as anything more than a friend? Very few marriages that are "pretty great" result in one or both partners cheating I would imagine.
Whether you can (or even want to) save this friendship and continue it, meet the new man in her life - well it really depends on how much you value the friendship. Having different morals doesn't mean the end of a friendship, it perhaps changes the nature of the friendship but it doesn't have to mean the end of it.
I doubt it would come as any surprise to your friend your feelings about this new relationship seeing as she hid it from you for so long, so perhaps, sit down with her, explain how you feel, why you have a problem with it and see in which direction the friendship naturally heads from there.
Wow - massive can of worms.
ReplyDeleteCould I remain friends with this couple? No. It may seem black and white, hell, it is black and white for me. My moral code would not allow me to condone this relationship. He WAS married. She knew he was married. No matter what state this relationship was in he needed to not put his dick where it did not belong. And she needed to walk away before she became emotionally involved.
It is called decency, it is called integrity. So they were attracted to each other. If it was that irresistible he should have ended his marriage before embarking on this new relationship.
And you know what, when he becomes bored he WILL do it to her too. And the pain will be a fitting consequence for her involvement.
Black and white, hell yeah. Just where do you think Boy 1 gets it ftom?
Thanks form the comments so far,
ReplyDeleteTo my other Anon commenter, it is your thoughts that run through my head a bit. Those are the thoughts which made me write the post of course. If it were so easy I wouldn't have to worry, I would just walk away.
In saying that, I strongly believe the husband had choices. Many of them.
As did my friend, who was also in a relationship over the 12 months ( not a marriage, and short term, but still a mans feelings were a bit hurt when he realized she was half interested in someone else.)
But does time change things, if I lose the friendship, will I regret it? Will I be the loser here. I just don't know.
A very close friend of mine got herself in to a relationship with a married man a few years back. She herself had just got divorced, as her husband was cheating on her. Well that was part of the problem, their relationship was flawed from the start.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, when I found out about this new relationship, I was really upset about it and certainly told her so. My parents divorced when I was nine because both (but initially my Dad) had been unfaithful, so I have pretty strong views on this subject.
The relationship continued for a few months and the entire time I was urging my friend to end it, given she knew how this woman would feel if she found out AND they had kids (my friend did not) but still it continued. There was talk that he would leave his wife and start a new life with my friend, but it never happened. He stuck with his wife. And my friend was left alone, all again.
Our friendship did survive this, but only just. I felt very differently about her after that day, and in some ways still do. But ultimately she's a wonderful friend who has been there for me in my darkest hour. I will never accept what she did and I did lose some respect for her, but thankfully it ended before it got super ugly.
Tricky situation for all involved for sure.
Thanks for posting here, Anon. And thanks for allowing it, Suz.
xo
I cannot imagine why you would want to meet this man, not the sort of person I would want in my life. If your friend lied and hid the relationship from you then I don't believe she is worthy of your friendship, quite aside from the fact that she knowingly maintained a relationship with a married man. Cut her loose and move on. Also, the wife can be as "difficult" as she likes in my book, I would be!
ReplyDelete