It is 7am

She opens her eyes and they begin to burn and scratch.
Before the first thought has even entered her mind, she feels it.
The panic that presses her chest and wraps itself around her throat.
Still shocking yet familiar after all this time.
In the close distance she hears the kids awake and the breath in her lungs quickens, in and out.
The boys begin to bicker, softly at first and then louder.
A turf war escalating.
She knows that is her own heart she can feel, pounding like it is searching for a peaceful place to rest.
The hands of anxiety tighten around her torso.
Strong and unrelenting
Another day is beginning and she must face it.
She swings her legs around and sits upright, her feet hitting the carpet with a dull thud.
It is 7am.

I wrote this. I wrote it about me.
Somehow the words come out more easily if I write it like it's about someone else.
Someone else like me.
This is how anxiety sits in my world right now. Not on every day, but on many.
I am ok. I don't want any one reading this to be worried or heaven forbid, think that I am "not coping".
I am, mostly.

I am grappling with things on so many levels that it feels exhausting and overwhelming.
There are endings to grieve. Natural endings and lost potential.
There are beginnings and achievements to celebrate too. They are not forgotten in the maelstrom.
Fear and anticipation are present in some of the new.
Sadness is a companion and exhaustion loves the ride too.

I talk about this with some who are deeply trusted.
The talking helps, releases the pressure valve.
But in so many ways, the rationality of those conversations never quite matches the swirling internal dialogue of emotions. It's a wave. A wave of change where the swell rises and must break before the waters find the calm.

Image via we heart it

How do YOU say no?

The overwhelm is here again.
It visits too often. Unwelcome, unyielding. Buffeting and rough on the mind.
I wish it away but wishing never quite does it.
I know that there is too much on, too much on my plate. I know this.
But what I don't know is how to take it down a notch and let everything in my head calm down.
My to-do list has reached magnificent proportions and it is both my friend and my mortal enemy.

The big thing I do know is that I am not very good at saying "no". I am a capable gal and I have lots of skills. I am someone that others look to, to help, to lead, to be involved.
So why can't I say no sometimes and keep my commitments at manageable levels?

Do you have any suggestions for me? How do you manage it?
I suspect it might have something to do with this.....(as seen on a recent visit to Abbotsford Convent).

Help please.

A little more like myself

I have looked in the mirror a few times over the last 3 months and felt like I could barely recognise myself. There have been dark circles under my eyes, blemishes on my face and I have just looked tired and pale and well, exhausted. It makes perfect sense because life has been so crazy and stressful and busy that yes, I have been utterly physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted every single day. That awful feeling of waking up tired and having no idea how you will get to the other end of a 12+ hour day with two small children.


This week I have...

• shared a long, comfortable conversation and a gorgeous wood fired pizza evening out with my gorgeous cousin.
• sipped a cosmopolitan and giggled along with the (albeit crass) Sex and the City 2 film at a fundraiser for the Batsman's kindergarten
• baked a flourless orange cake and some chocolate chip cookies
• had breakfast in a favourite cafe and read the newspaper in complete peace.

Sounds luxurious doesn't it. It was lovely and happened because the Captain stepped up (as he so often does) to look after the boys so I could have a break.


And I am very pleased to say that as this long weekend draws to a close, I am feeling just a little more like myself.