unwinding

I am not so good at unwinding from my stress.
It is a skill I am yet to master in my forty something years. 

One of my major goals for this year is to work on unwinding the knots. I want to carve out time for me, relish a little peace, find my well being and vitality and manage my (over) commitments. 

Weekends and short trips away are a part of that plan. Changes of scenery are so good for heart and mind. After the rigors of our big boy starting school then, the timing of Unblogged, the brainchild of Clairey Hewitt, was just perfect. 

We took our time, we lazed, we ate casually and the kids played. It was just beautiful.

In the very beautiful Halls Gap, unwinding was most certainly within reach. Thanks Claire and other “unbloggers” for lovely conversation and company. And Halls Gap, you are stunning. We will be back.

words to live by after the everywhere and nowhere

I am everywhere and I am nowhere.

The end of the year came and went. So did Christmas and holidays, days melting together like some kind of stressed out lava. My head too cloudy to think of a coherently titled blog post.
Exhausted and anxious.
Everywhere and nowhere.

There was some rest in January. There was play and some cleaning out of all the extra stuff, both physical and metaphorical that has filled my world since the Batsman's autism diagnosis almost three years ago. Our home based therapy program is over and the Batsman is going to primary school. Eager, excited and ready. Me, not so much.
Everywhere and nowhere.

I'm marking time until school begins proper on Friday. Everything I have done in the last three years has been leading to here. I feel kind of numb. Empty. There is no one word or emotion that can describe how I am feeling.
Everywhere and nowhere.

I must carve a new path now. I must learn how to live without the intensity of daily home therapists, appointments and the utter crazy, chaotic and exhausting schedule of an ABA program at home. Never would I have thought I would miss it but somehow I do. I miss the structure, the sense of purpose, the adrenalin. I'm not sure who I am any more. I am about to go looking.
Everywhere and nowhere.

Lots of great posts were written in the near shadow of the new year. So many people had the clarity to pinpoint a word or a collection to be their talisman for 2013. I watched these posts with great interest and a little envy but for me, the words wouldn't come.
Everywhere and nowhere.

So I am here now, on the cusp of the year's second month and I have six words. Six words that I am going to work to live into this year.

Play and fun.

Balance and peace.

Fit and strong.

I will let you know how it goes.

Image via we heart it

I am a Gemini so let's see if I can complete Blogvember

 

 

“Geminis have a dual nature and therefore seem changeable, sometimes reckless and fickle. They tend to do many different things superficially. Totally flexible and adaptable, they can work at multiple tasks simultaneously but they may lack persistence” Source: Here

Hmmm.

My life is littered with quite a bit of stuff that I haven’t persisted with. Hobbies are the main offender, in particular, craft, for which I have great desire but little talent. It always looks so much better in my mind’s eye than in reality. Cross stitch anyone? Who wants to make a Christmas wreath? I have the materials stashed in a cupboard somewhere. I also confess to never having managed to finish one of those “photo a day” challenges run by the very clever Fat Mum Slim. There are quite a few unfinished books littered around the house on the shelf too. It seems that I have all good intentions but I don’t always follow through. Food projects, though, are something I always complete. Go figure.

So when I saw my friend Naomi was going to take on the Blogvember challenge of posting every day for the whole month I thought “what’s another unfinished project between friends” “why not give it a crack?”.

So here I am.

I have two blogs, this one and The I Love You Song where I write about our autism adventures with our very gorgeous Batsman. For Blogvember I am going to alternate between the two blogs. One day, I will be here. The next day I will be over there. I hope you will join me and hop around.

And, if you are one of those people who does manage to finish projects, feel free to give me advice and a good kick up the backside if you notice me wavering.

I would really like to finish this one.

PS: I am going all out and doing #FMSPhotoADay too. If you want to see how far this Gemini can go you can find me here or here.

Image via WeHeartIt

Reach

That's me in the middle of the shot, 9kms in.

Just over a week ago, I ran in a ten kilometre fun run for the first time in my life.

Just over a year ago, I could not run for more than a couple of hundred metres without stopping in pain or being out of breath.

Just over a year ago (fifteen months to be exact), I weighed twenty one kilograms more than I weigh now.

Why am I telling you all this? It's not about "look at me" or to brag about achieving these goals. The thing I want to tell you is that just over a year ago, I genuinely thought that these goals were IMPOSSIBLE for me. I genuinely believed that losing the weight and running for ten kilometres were NEVER dreams I could achieve.

To finish the run was an amazing feeling. The Captain brought the Batsman and the Bowler to be there at the finish line. My mum and dad came too. The sun shone through the cold air. In the process of completing the run, I raised $2400 for the autism early intervention organisation who have done such incredible work with the Batsman. Like I said, amazing feeling.

When I think back to how I felt a year ago and try to identify what it was that was the starting point of working towards these goals, the only word that comes to mind is "reach". I was able to reach forward and try and somehow with a bit of blind, clueless faith, know that I could move forward.

That's all I can come up with. Nothing too profound. Reach, reach, reach.

Are you reaching for any goals right now?

Whitewash

Don't misrepresent our conversation.
Don't paint the words the way that makes you look better.
Tell it like it went.
Be honest.
Be of your word.
Own it.

Image via we heart it

Dude, where's my confidence?



It became clear to me yesterday.
There is something missing.
From me.
My confidence is in hiding. Not all the time but certainly for enough of the time for me to become aware of the absence.

I have started working for a few hours a week. In a lovely gourmet deli. I slice meats. I scoop olives and dips. I serve coffees. I clear tables. I suggest ingredients for home cooked meals.
It's my first paid work since the birth of the Bowler two and a half years ago.
I love it.

In my life before my children, I worked in a fairly senior role for a non-profit organisation. I managed large, complex events. I co-ordinated senior meetings. I handled delicate political conversations and relationships. I wrote  submissions to government. For the most part I did it with what I think was professionalism, compassion, grace and a very real air of confidence in myself and my abilities.

But I disgress.
The deli.
A customer orders his deli items. He wants loads of ham, salami, olives and artichokes. He wants marinated octopus and eggplant dip. I am scrambling to get it all done efficiently. The slicer is challenging. And then he barks at me, something to do with the thickness of the ham. He is rude and not a little arrogant. I nod apologetically and keep going. I just want it to be over. I finish his order and he pays his bill.

Before, I would have been more able to shrug it off. I would have dealt with someone difficult like that with confidence and aplomb. It wouldn't have thrown me as much as this small encounter did.

So it would seem that yes, dude, my confidence is missing. I know I am not the first mum returning to work to feel like that. The question is: where has it gone and how do I get it back?

Have you ever felt like this? Do you have any helpful handy hints for me? I would be ever so grateful.

Image via we heart it

Grateful for joy

I spend so much time rushing around, doing what has to be done. Perhaps I also rush around doing stuff that doesn't have to be done. Hmmmm.

With the Batsman's autism early intervention program based here in our home, life is highly scheduled by necessity. It works better that way. Everyone gets what they want and need most of the time and the Batsman gets the routine and predictability that helps him tick along with minimal anxiety.

Sometimes though, I feel that while it looks to the outside observer like the family of ducks gliding peacefully across the pond, underneath it is me paddling my little webbed feet at lightning speed to stop us all from going under. When you are paddling like that, you can miss stuff. You can miss the good stuff while you are busy making sure the icing doesn't melt off the side of the cake.

So, I am consciously working on being present in my own life. I remind myself to pause and notice the little moments. The ones that bring joy. The moment where the Bowler says something hilarious. The moment where the Batsman gets his "my", "yours" and "I" right and articulates himself with amazing clarity. The swan we saw tonight flapping its wings to ward off some annoying nearby ducks. The stunning rainbows we have had in Melbourne lately. The first sip of the first soy latte of the day.

Small things. Small moments. Joy.

I'm grateful.




Image via we heart it

50 things you don't need to know about me before the Aussie Bloggers Conference

So, I am going. Tomorrow night. To Sydney.
I have loved reading people's 50 things about me posts. I find them a fascinating insight.
So here's mine. This was tougher than I thought it would be.


1. I was born in Melbourne.


2. The hospital where I was born was turned into apartments.


3. I love coffee, chocolate and all baked goods.


4. I am heartsick about leaving my two boys and going to the conference. They are in the best of hands though, with the Captain left in charge.


5. I am prone to anxiety and depression and never more so since my Batsman was diagnosed with autism one year ago.


6. I am a full time SAHM.


7. I have spent the last 10 years working with refugees and asylum seekers. I loved it and was sad to resign from it in January.


8. Sometimes I feel like all I think about is autism.


9. I love to give and receive a beautifully wrapped gift.


10. I hate the daily family cooking but I love the cooking where there is time to make something from scratch. Slow cooking is therapy for me.


11. Once upon a time I was a kindergarten teacher. I have no idea how I could ever do that job now.


12. I adore blogging.


13. I think the community building in blogging is extraordinary.


14. I live in a house that my great grandparents built in 1929.


15. I have lived in that very same house since 1992.


16. I used to be married to a policeman. We lasted 6 looooong years.


17. The Captain and I met on the internet.


18. On our first date, we sat in a restaurant and talked for five hours.


19. I would love to have more children if my body did pregnancy a bit better.


20. I am about 12 kilograms off my ideal “fighting weight”.


21. I wrestle with expecting the extraordinary from people and lowering my expectations so as not to be disappointed.


22. There is a pile of books in my house waiting to be read that numbers approximately 37. Half of them are related to autism.


23. I have an attraction to Ma.ccas drive through that is just not right.


24. I buy about 95% of gifts I give online.


25. My life doesn’t work without lists.


26. I adore making kids birthday cakes and cupcakes.


27. I am 41, almost 42 years old.


28. Mothering is the best and hardest thing I have done in my whole life.


29. My biggest fear is dying before I see my boys grow up.


30. I love Michael Buble, David Gray and John Farnham music, in any order.


31. I have very curly hair and a hair straightener.


32. I really don’t like wearing heels.


33. Licorice all sorts are a bit of an obsession.


34. I am patient with my kids most of the time but not so patient with people who are full of themselves.


35. Peanut butter and honey together on toast. Yes, please!


36. I just read “Freedom” by Jonathan Franzen. 500 and something pages and I am not sure I understand what all the fuss is about.


37. Sometimes I go to the gym and sit in the cafe and blog instead of doing my workout.


38. When I have time to myself, i find it difficult to unwind and do “me” stuff.


39. I hope the Captain and I get married one day.


40. My heart sings when I hear of acts of kindness.


41. I am definitely left leaning.


42. I really don’t like speaking publicly.


43. I often wonder what I will do when my kids go to school.


44. I love and loathe F.acebook


45. My cook book collection numbers over 120 and I am obsessed with food magazines.


46. Unlikely that the 12 kilos will come off while the obsession with cookbooks, food magazines and food remains.


47. Both my boys were born by c-section and pilates has helped me get it back together in the aftermath.


48. I have found it hard to right a list of 50 things about me, that are not about my kids.


49. Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.


50. The end.

It seemed like a good idea

Image by Salvatore Vuono / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

One week from now I will have packed my bags. I don’t think it has hit me yet. That I am going to Aussie Bloggers Conference.
In Sydney. Next week.
Today it became a lot more real when my “business” cards arrived by post. They look gorgeous (if I do say so myself).
I’ve got myself some clothes to wear (notwithstanding an inevitable last minute shopping frenzy).
The Captain is looking forward to his “daddy time” weekend with the boys and my mum has been marshalled to help with the Saturday morning swimming lesson expedition. So they’re all sorted.
The thing that’s probably not sorted is me. My thoughts about going to the conference are a big, messy jumble. So I reckon the best thing is to put them here, to purge them from swimming around up there, to let them roam around in bloggy land.


So here goes.


It seemed like a good idea when I bought my tickets but now I’m nervous. I’m nervous about “belonging”, nervous about so many new people in one hit, nervous about making new friends.


It’s really hard to leave my kids. It will be really good for me to have a break but my heart hurts when I am not with them.


Travelling really raises my level of anxiety. I’ll be all right when I get there but flights and schedules and boarding calls make me anxious.


I am in awe of being in a room with so many accomplished, amazing women. It’s a little hard to wrap my head around being part of that. Do my humble little blogs qualify me for this?


I really want to blog more, to build this thing. I really hope that being at the conference will help me carve out a way to do that in this life. I honestly don’t know how you all do it.


I am not sure what I will do when I step into a hotel room and I am alone. No lunches to make, bums to change, or disputes to referee. But also, no hugs to give or receive and no goodnight kisses. Hmmmmm. I am sure I can find someone at the conference to hug if I need to.


Reading a lot of people’s “pre-conference” posts, it occurs to me that there will be a lot of emotion, of all kinds, when we are all in a room together. Now that will be amazing.


This blogging community is coming together.


I can’t wait.

A little more like myself

I have looked in the mirror a few times over the last 3 months and felt like I could barely recognise myself. There have been dark circles under my eyes, blemishes on my face and I have just looked tired and pale and well, exhausted. It makes perfect sense because life has been so crazy and stressful and busy that yes, I have been utterly physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted every single day. That awful feeling of waking up tired and having no idea how you will get to the other end of a 12+ hour day with two small children.


This week I have...

• shared a long, comfortable conversation and a gorgeous wood fired pizza evening out with my gorgeous cousin.
• sipped a cosmopolitan and giggled along with the (albeit crass) Sex and the City 2 film at a fundraiser for the Batsman's kindergarten
• baked a flourless orange cake and some chocolate chip cookies
• had breakfast in a favourite cafe and read the newspaper in complete peace.

Sounds luxurious doesn't it. It was lovely and happened because the Captain stepped up (as he so often does) to look after the boys so I could have a break.


And I am very pleased to say that as this long weekend draws to a close, I am feeling just a little more like myself.